It is storytime! If you were looking forward to my first background story with lots of accidental side-tracking and unnecessary details, you are in luck! It is officially my first background story on Grace’s life! (If this does not excite you, I do not blame you. An update on different happenings and even a positive story is in store soon)
In order to know my stories well and feel my excitement for different things, you must know the past.
*sounds of a harp playing backwards*
I take you back to my awkward middle school years. My hair was cut in a bob that I had insisted on. My parents finally decided I could get a Facebook on the family laptop. My Facebook only consisted of Candy Crush requests and photos taken with crazy effects. I was a very goofy girl. Because of this, the cool kids at school thought I was weird and were not afraid to say so. I remember specific bullies I had in middle school, however this is not about that. Due to my social and silly nature, I was very interested in boyfriends. I did not really have an idea of what a date was and how I would get there, I just wanted a boy to call me pretty. I had a few boys that I “dated” in middle school, but it never had very good outcomes.
My view of myself was not very healthy because of these bullies and lack of people to call me pretty. I never really saw myself as a pretty girl, so I needed someone else to tell me I was to believe it. Pretty sad, I know. I stopped eating when I became a cheerleader so that I could be one of the skinnier girls on the team. I wanted to be one of the fliers (girls that get sent into the air) but I was too tall for that. In fact, I was one of the biggest girls on the team, so I was a backbase (the girl that supports everything else the most). That was a blow to my confidence.
Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of friends. I am even still friends with some of my best friends at the time. This story is not about those, though. I have made a lot of progress mentally and in order to explain it best, I will not be talking about those friends too much. I will only discuss one specific friend I had at the time. She was my best friend from about sixth grade and is still one of my best friends today. She is goofy and silly like me. I loved spending all of my time with her, especially in middle school. Our friendship has slowly evolved into a completely different friendship over the years. When we were first very close, she was very popular. She was pretty and very good at being social. I definitely wanted to be like her. She started having body issues about herself and that made me realize I was even worse than I thought. I thought there must be something really wrong with me if she thought there was something wrong with her.
Once I got to high school, I evolved into even more of an outcast. I wore chokers and Pierce the Veil shirts. I still had friends, but they were more edgy than before. I drifted from some of my old friends. I definitely had anxiety, but it was not that bad until my Junior year. I did not care about my grades my Freshman year so I am very happy I developed motivation for my classes. I honestly do not know where my motivation came from, but I am glad I started coming out of my funk. I dated jerks during my freshman and some of my sophomore year. The first actual good guy I dated in high school changed my perspective on so many things. I realized how much I needed to change.
I developed strong motivation when I started dating my first love. I had never really been in love before. I had told boys I loved them but I had never felt this draw before. The funny thing is, is that was a different me. I will never feel that kind of love before. I have blogged about this in my thirty day journals (that I need to finish). I believe that the love that you feel for specific people is never the same as other love for other people. I have been in love 2-3 times and every single time it has been entirely different.
My first love and I dated for about a year and ten months. Over the course of that time, my personality strongly changed and grew for the better. I would not be the person I am now if I had not met him so I am happy I did. Either way, I developed new problems like anxiety over my grades and slight depression.
I did not know about the problems that lie ahead, but by my senior year my anxiety was a growing problem. I worried a lot of the future and the things that would come. I worried about college and my grades every day. After a lot of work and dedication, I graduated with a 3.7 GPA and the Kansas Scholars Curriculum. That was all a large achievement for me, looking at where I started freshman year.
I started my freshman year of college already struggling. One of my closest friends from high school passed away over the summer. I was having a difficult time with emotions from that loss. Going to college was a huge change. I was working at a restaurant and met my love. The hours I was working there, though was too much to handle with school. I quickly lost almost all of my motivation for classes by the second or third month. My depression was radically taking over my life. I did not realize I even still had depression. My days were spent in bed and crying about my grades. I strongly had no motivation to reach out to teachers, go to classes, tell my parents, talk to my boyfriend, anything. That was not me at all. My senior year I passed Physics, Trigonometry, and English 102. I was the president of the improv group at my school and the secretary of the Thespian Troop. I got good grades and my life revolved around doing the best I could. This semester should not have been such a flop. I could not even convince myself to go to my councilor. My boyfriend tried helping getting me out of my funk, but it was pretty hopeless. I am thankful for him and his attempts to bring me out of it, though. He recommended I make a huge step to get myself out of my rut and start being medicated for my issues.
I began taking Sertraline and tried getting myself to classes while I still could. My motivation still was not there and I failed a majority of my classes. This semester has been my redemtion. After the medication began to take effect, I found it was easier to motivate myself again. I was quickly able to enjoy classes and reading my textbooks.
Last week I went to the councilor for the first time since I was medicated. It had been over three months since I had seen them. They had me take progress surveys so they could see where I am now. The charts showed that since last semester, my anxiety went from an 85 to an 18. My depression went from an 85 to a 25. All of my numbers have significantly dropped and that is a grand improvement. I have my motivation and the drive to succeed and graduate.
So that is where I am at! I am pushing on and doing good! My body image, motivation, and schoolwork has all improved!
I hope you all have a fantastic day and push through the barriers you have been fighting. Today is the time for success! Go do it 🙂